Taking Responsibility To Build Trust And Repair Relationships

Walls don’t show up overnight. They get built one excuse at a time, one avoided conversation at a time, one moment of defensiveness where honesty would have been easier. We kick off season two of Half Century Hangout by getting blunt about personal responsibility and why so many relationships at work, at home, and with friends stall out when nobody wants to own their part.

We talk through what accountability actually looks like when it’s messy and inconvenient: admitting you screwed up, staying humble, and speaking clearly instead of blaming or deflecting. Chuck shares a classic workplace failure from the 90s that could have ended his job on the spot, and we unpack why confession and ownership can rebuild trust faster than a perfect explanation ever will. We also dig into vulnerability, including the stuff people avoid sharing most, like finances and health, and how the fear of what others think can quietly put you “on an island.”

Then we get practical. Is the problem a will issue or a skill issue? When should you bring up tension, and when should you wait for the right moment? How do you make amends without expecting the other person to instantly welcome you back? If you’ve burned bridges, we’ll help you take the next step with clarity and humility, and we’ll remind you that growth is still real even when reconciliation isn’t guaranteed.

Subscribe for more honest conversations, share this with someone who values trust, and leave a review if it hits home. What’s one situation where you need to “own it” this week?

Transcript

Season Two Kickoff

SPEAKER_00 0:35

Welcome to season two of Half Century Hangout. We are here for you, and hopefully you are there for us. Guys, how's it going? It's going amazing. It is a wonderful life.

SPEAKER_01 0:50

Oh, wait, that's Christmas time.

SPEAKER_00 0:52

I'll tell you what, I just want to I just want to say ahead of time that John did a great job on the instrumentals in that intro. That's our new intern, that was John. Uh John is a multi-musician, and we didn't know that.

Owning Mistakes Builds Bridges

SPEAKER_02 1:05

Go figure, John, you're awesome. Hey, I'm pretty pumped up about this episode because I have um I get the opportunity to see a lot of different things. I live in many different uh venues, whether it's work or whatever out there. And honestly, this comes from uh kind of an area that I just I'm kind of passionate about because I feel like I should accept responsibility for my action, for my team's action, for my family's action in many cases, you know, many cases. And what I get upset about is when people don't take responsibility for the stupid shit that they do.

SPEAKER_00 1:52

I I you're preaching to the choir here, buddy, because I because I'll tell you that I think that in our society as a whole, we're we're having this move toward not taking responsibility for either the things that you say, or like you said, the shit that you do. I mean, it and I think that we all grew up in a time where it was given to us how important that was by our parents, by our work, by our upbringing, all these things that guess what? Just own it. Yeah. But I think that we've kind of moved away from that as a society. So I'm I'm pretty excited about it too.

SPEAKER_01 2:30

I think what you're talking about is there's a lot of people that want to blame everyone else. Right. Or blame the system for it's displacing it to somebody.

SPEAKER_00 2:47

Exactly.

SPEAKER_02 2:48

And I think the reality of it is, and this is the thought that came to my head, and I actually wrote it down, is when we don't take responsibility for our actions or for our team's actions or whoever we're over, when we don't take responsibility for our actions, we build walls with others instead of building bridges.

SPEAKER_04 3:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 3:04

If we, if if I'm busted in something, like if I do something stupid, Luke or John, and you guys come to me and you say, Hey, Chuck, you did something stupid. And I say, you know what? I did. Man, I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_00 3:21

And I'd like you, I'd like you to think that we do the same thing because I know that it, you know, we work together, and there's days where I've come to you or you've come to me because our office is right next to each other. And it's like, WTF, are you thinking? You know what I mean? Like, and it's in it's like, oh shit, like, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 3:39

And when we screwed up that when we do that, we build, we build those, we we build those bridges instead of building walls. And what I mean by building bridges, it's just a level of trust that you begin to build with people.

SPEAKER_00 3:53

I think part of what when you initiated this topic that we talked about before, I think there's too many times that we always talk about with other people and just in general things is about burning bridges as opposed to building them. We've always kind of you know focused on that. A lot of people focus on that, oh, I'm I burned this bridge. Or don't focus on that part, right? Focus on the part of building the bridge to the next thing. Yeah. And as far as like examples, I mean, they go from work to personal life to family life to a lot of different things. So I think in this episode, as we've come into this new season and we take a little bit fresher of a look at some things that affect us every day. That's the other part that I think that for me, listening about this topic is sometimes we you know put them in a little bowl and oh, it's just when this happens. It's really not. It kind of happens all the time, like day to day, like from the time you wake up in the morning till the time you go to bed at night. It's not just when, you know, it's a Wednesday and it's two o'clock and I'm getting sick of work for the week. You know, it's not just that. Right, it happens all the time, and a lot of time it's in smaller increments, but all of a sudden, like you said, that wall is getting built up every day because we never really fully address it and own it, and then you're kind of stuck at that point.

SPEAKER_01 5:18

You know what I do a lot of times when you talk about building a wall, my problem is communication. So to be open and honest with communication, to be transparent about what I feel and a little bit vulnerable about what I feel. Uh and sometimes that's hard for me. Do you think that is hard?

SPEAKER_00 5:45

Is it harder for you, John, uh, in your personal life, or is it harder for you at work, or is it harder with your family, or what?

SPEAKER_01 5:51

Uh, I would say it's harder at work.

SPEAKER_00 5:54

Yeah.

The 3,500 Paycheck Screw-Up

SPEAKER_01 5:54

Yeah. I I have a hard time sharing that kind of stuff with certain people. Yeah. And so if I don't, um, sometimes it builds that that wall, and maybe it's me that feels like that wall is being built, and I can't then go back and and say, you know, I I screwed up by not saying this. I should have said this a long time ago, and and I didn't. And I I need to say this to you. I need to say that you're making me angry or you're making me feel this way because of this. And I have a hard time maybe sharing that kind of stuff. So I don't know if you guys run into that a little bit or not, but I do.

SPEAKER_02 6:47

Yeah, I mean, I I think specifically we can talk about generalities all day long, you know. Um, but I think specifically, um, you know, when we this goes takes me back a little bit, but back whenever I was in college, or no, I was uh just out of college and I was working for a um uh engine and remanufacturing plant. Now I was in a part, this is when like you had DOS, you know, the old DOS systems. And holy cow, how long ago was that? This was back in the mid-mid 90s. Mid-90s, we weren't yet on a window system, and I was in a part of the computer I probably shouldn't have been in, and I worked in HR, and so I had access to a lot of different areas, and I got into an area that I was like, I don't know how to get out of this area. This is dark, folks. And um, as it turned out, I ended up printing in mid pay period like 3,500 checks for the entire company. And at that time, these guys didn't know how they were gonna go back and like they thought they had to give them the checks during mid-pay period.

SPEAKER_00 8:00

Now we know why Chuck drives a new Jeep.

SPEAKER_02 8:04

Yeah, so kidding. Next day I get in uh the office and the HR director calls me in immediately, and uh somehow they could still stamp that, right? And he says, Hey, you got to tell me what's going on here because this happened. And I fessed up. I was like, Yeah, I got into the part of the computer that I probably shouldn't have been in looking at different things, and um yeah, I didn't know how to get out, and so this is what I did. And he said, Well, you're really screwed up, Chuck. And um, I was like on a final warning for most of the rest of my time with that company. If I would have screwed up again, I was gonna be in big trouble. But uh yeah, so that was uh like the time where I actually did build some. I eroded a lot of trust with that stupid mistake, but I actually built some trust with it.

Personal Life Walls And Isolation

SPEAKER_00 8:50

You know, the funny thing about that story is that what I took out of it, what I and you'll laugh at this, and this is why we're still the same guys, and just I'm pre-warning you here. I was picturing Chuck working for HR. Yeah, I don't think it's like picturing me go into his office and go, um, Mr. Kaiser, I'd like to report something. Like I just laughed about that. Picturing you in the 90s of doing that, I would have laughed about that. But I think that it's real that, you know, for me, I think it's not as much about work as it has been, probably more in my personal life, where I think that I built walls up for different reasons over the years with different people. Um, and I and I think that it kind of all, you know, kind of came to light when, you know, what would that have been? Probably in the 2010 to 15 range, somewhere in there, yeah. When I realized that I had probably kept some people in the dark about things that I probably shouldn't have. Yeah. That I either eroded some relationships or something that was there that I should have kept stronger when what I was trying to do was be on an island. You know, like it was just me. Like I'm gonna be right, I'm gonna stand my ground to do my thing when I really wasn't strong enough to do that. Right. And in the midst of doing that, you know, you alienate people, right? Because you're building that wall instead of building a bridge, like you said. And I think that now having to from those years forward rebuild that, you know, takes some time. Yeah. But depending on how strong that relationship was or whatever it was before you built the wall, sometimes it's pretty easy, sometimes it's pretty quick, sometimes it takes a little time. Right. So I think for me, it it hasn't been as much at a work environment, although obviously there's days where I do, but I think in the long and short of it, mine's been a little bit more of my personal life than it has been at work.

SPEAKER_02 10:53

That's uh that's good. That's really good. John, where do you think um men people in general build walls the most? Do you think it's at home, at work, friendships? I mean, where do you where do you see that coming into play?

SPEAKER_01 11:08

Um, you know, I think that we build walls everywhere. I think the way that we can help to grow through that and not have those walls built is to, like I said before, communicate well. And I in general have a harder time sharing certain things. You talked about finance. I have a hard time sharing finances with people, I have a hard time sharing health concerns with people, and um I think that maybe is uh some things that where people feel like maybe that's a little too vulnerable for me. And you know, you you go through certain things in life and you gotta have really good friends and you gotta have really good relationships with people. I do anyway, I I guess I think people in general too.

SPEAKER_00 12:17

I think that's true, but and I and I do believe, kind of like I said in mine, and I think it's tagging on to what you're saying when you said that that communication piece about certain things that's difficult to do, you do kind of, at least for myself. Like I said, you you're building, you're putting yourself on an island. Yep. I mean, I can handle this on my own. I don't really need to tell these people about this or about this, but it I think there's always going to be that information that you keep close to the vest, if you want to say, however, you want to say that. But in the same breath, I think that as people going forward, it's like it's okay to let that go and to let somebody else say, hey, you know what? You you're you do a great job, but when it comes to this, like I could have helped you through that, or I could have done this, or I could have done this. When we're kind of without doing it purposely, we're shunning help from other people.

SPEAKER_01 13:11

I will tell you this the the older I get, the the um I went and saw a keynote speaker at a conference once, and she said, here's I'm getting old enough to be able to share things with people because it it really doesn't matter what people think anymore. Right. And I can be vulnerable to those people, and yes, I know I I see you shaking your head. For me, it does matter what people think.

Will Issue Or Skill Issue

SPEAKER_00 13:46

And I think I think people say that, and I think sometimes people kind of overplay that card a little bit, that because I think it goes too far the other way. Like I'm gonna be a complete jackass because I don't care what people think. So I think when we say that, like I understand the concept behind the words, yeah. But if we are holding back things because we're concerned about what people think about us, that's different than just saying, well, I've got free reign to do whatever the hell I want because again, I'm not gonna judge those people. I mean, if that's what you want to do in your life, that's okay. But I think that at some point, if you get to that level where your thing in your mind is I can say whatever I want, I can do whatever I want. You gotta you gotta walk it back a little bit. Yeah, I think you're right. But but again, there's people that can live their life that way, and that's okay. I just I just choose not to. Like it's it's kind of like the it's kind of like the the movie, um, Grant Trino, right? So you got Clint Eastwood, you know, get off my lawn, you know, pulling a gun at people, right? Yeah. Which is great, it's fine. Like I love the movie, it's great, it's in Detroit, too. That's a whole another story. But he's going through this whole thing, but then you see him towards the end of the movie, how it's a little bit different, how he's changed as to what his his external view is, you know, he's still quite the badass in the movie and goes to, you know, reach into his pocket and pulls out his cigarettes, you know, and they all got their guns pointed at him. I mean, I think that you can flirt with that line, you know, of who you are and who you want to be known as or who how you want to be viewed by people. Some people don't give a crap of how they're viewed, which again, that's okay. I'm not gonna I'm not gonna tell you one way or the other, but I do believe that sometimes in this particular conversation, if somebody is taking that hard of a stance, that wall is bigger than a lot of times you could break down a build a graph.

SPEAKER_02 15:54

So I think the the heart of the question that I asked though is talking about responsibility, maybe more so in a in a work type of environment, I don't know. But I think the heart of the question is dealing with like, is this a will issue or is this like a skill issue? So if somebody is can't take responsibility for an action because they don't know how to do something, I think that's different than somebody not taking responsibility for their actions because I agree because they either they don't know how or they just refuse to.

SPEAKER_00 16:30

There's two different yeah, and I agree with you. I think and I think that's a mindset though. That's also a mindset where if somebody, you know, what's your fallback? What's your default, right? Right. If you don't know how, I'm gonna default to this, and I'm just gonna say, well, you know what, I just I don't care what people think, or I don't care about this, or I don't care about that. That's a default that a lot of people have. Whereas it might be, you know what, I've never dealt with this before, you know, help me out here. Or even that, if I've never dealt with it before, even if I don't, you know, quote unquote ask for help, how is it that I portray it to somebody else? Right. Do I portray it like I'm gonna be defensive, you know, and defend my actions, you know, whatever? Or am I gonna be like, yeah, well, you know.

SPEAKER_01 17:19

And we've heard this blaming, complaining, and deflecting. Yeah, right. Those things you can do if you don't have that skill, but asking for help, people respect, I think, at least I respect a little more those people who will ask for help and will say, you know, I don't know how to do this. I really don't. Can you help me out here? Can can I watch you do it as a as a mentor?

SPEAKER_00 17:49

And I think as your as your question looks, you know, and where does this happen the most, right? Does it happen personally? Does it happen at work? Does it happen in relationships? I think that, at least for me, I think it it's kind of spread over everything. It's not just in one area, right? Right. I think it's more situational than it is. That's what I was gonna get ready to say too than it is like just this umbrella of whatever it is. It's situational because you might just be in a situation where you don't feel comfortable. Like, like I'll give you an example. Because John brought it up. Yep. But I'm gonna say, John said something about medical stuff, right? Right. So long story short, I had to take John. Went we went to a to a facility that deals in medical care. And I happened to be there to give him a robot. I appreciate that. And I could tell, and I was about ready to leave the room because he was gonna speak with his doctor, and then the doctor kind of said, Oh, you can stay there. And I know that John initially felt a little, and I get it, because you know, do you want to bear all that stuff? Like, you know, and I get it. So it's it, and I don't want to say at that moment that it built a wall because it probably didn't. It actually probably did more to strengthen his and my friendship than it did anything, because he felt okay just saying what little he did. And to be honest with you, I don't remember what the hell he said. But it was just one of those moments where he was uncomfortable, I was uncomfortable, we both were. But you know what? Like I said, in the long run, at least for me, I mean, I think it strengthened it because it's like I didn't make fun of him. He didn't say, Luke, you were buddy. Well, you maybe did a little bit. Well, I maybe did a little bit.

SPEAKER_02 19:33

So it was all right, though. In those situations that we're talking about, uh, what does ownership actually look like?

SPEAKER_00 19:40

Well, as as we called it situational, I think that it depends on the situation. Sometimes I think it's you know, kind of immediate. It might be, but other times it might take a little while. It might take a little while until you actually realize what it was that you said or did or whatever, and that's why for me, like when I said mine was a lot more personal, sometimes mine takes a little while because you don't really realize on the backside how other people feel about that situation, but and that the fact that you drop the ball that brings up to another point to me, and I think it's the heart of the question we were talking about earlier, where you guys are like, I don't understand that, but whenever I sense that you, John, or you, Luke, are building a bridge, like you're not being transparent with me on something.

SPEAKER_02 20:31

Most of the time with us, it's gonna be like relational, right? Probably.

SPEAKER_00 20:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 20:36

Because we yeah, anyways, what does it look like for me to say, man, I like I feel like you're giving me a line of BS here. I don't I and I think I've actually said this to you in the mornings whenever you were going through some hard stuff. I think I said something like I don't feel like you're being straight with me.

Choosing The Right Time To Talk

SPEAKER_00 20:55

Yeah, yeah, you know, and I think that I think that for that type of a thing, you have to have, well, the bridge has to have been built. At least there's a somewhat of a bridge. There's something. There's something there. Some relational stuff. Because otherwise, you know, it's not like I'm gonna be at the checkout line and super saver and say to the guy, hey dude, right? You know, you having a rough day. Well, and I'm probably not gonna go there. No. But but if it's somebody that I know and it's somebody that I've at least dealt with on some level, you know, I might be able to say, and it and I think it depends again on situationally, you know, where you at, because let's be for real, too. I mean, there's there's moments at work where I might have something going on, we're all running ragged, right? So if if I can't touch it at that moment, I got something else going, or I got a kid over here, I got something happening, right? Right. Something's going on.

SPEAKER_02 21:48

Yeah, you know. And I think that takes some um savvy, if you will, for people to be able to understand that okay, this there's this tension, um, there's this wall going up. I'd rather have a bridge, uh and then knowing the right time to be able to bring that up to someone, I think is super important.

SPEAKER_00 22:06

Like literally, Chuck, I've talked to you more than anybody I've ever known from Ohio in my life. Isn't that crazy?

SPEAKER_01 22:12

Here's what I would say people have different comfort levels of sharing. Chuck, your comfort level of sharing. In my opinion, is a little easier or or less than my comfort level in sharing. But my comfort level in sharing things, not as mine's a little more restricted than yours is.

SPEAKER_02 22:44

Yeah, I would agree with that. I tend to be a little bit more free with some of the details of my life. I also don't want to be that guy. You guys know what I'm talking about, right? Where like everything comes out, you know, I don't want to be that guy.

SPEAKER_00 23:01

You've approached it a couple times, buddy. I've never quite been like, dude. I need to move my muffins.

SPEAKER_01 23:11

Oh, there's been a few times.

SPEAKER_00 23:13

We heard that this morning, I think we even kind of laugh about it here because, you know, there's moments and it it's kind of like this. Put it this way, and then I just thought of it just now. As you're here, and you kind of laugh about it, you can kind of look at it like this, all right? You have a couple beers, what happens?

SPEAKER_02 23:30

Yeah, you get a little bit more free, right? Right.

Tearing Down Walls With Humility

SPEAKER_00 23:32

It takes down a little, it takes a brick off the wall, yeah, right. And you're a little more able, if you want to say, without really trying, to just let it go. And that, and that I'm not, you know, I'm not telling everybody to just start drinking. I mean, if you are, cheers. But you know, the thing is, is that I I I've always thought this, and this is this goes back to college, like it kind of cracks me up, is that some people, like John said, you might be pretty tight. You're you're tightly wound, like you don't share a whole lot, like you're there, and then when you drink, you know, all of a sudden you're this open book, and people are like, holy crap, I didn't know that. Yeah. When when somebody's there and you get to that point, I think that when you hear what they have to say and you listen to it, you can build a bridge in that moment with them. Yeah. You know, and and kind of run it to the point where it doesn't have to be, you know, induced by something else. Right, right. Where you feel more comfortable with it. I mean, use it as a moment for growth of something, of how you feel about this person, how your relationship with them, whether it's work or personal or family or whatever it is. Yeah, you know, I mean, I think that for myself, if I used, let's just say one of my cousins as an example, you know, yeah, usually when I see him, we're drinking a lot of beer, we're hanging out, we're doing our thing. But the next morning, when we're doing chores and figuring stuff out, we can be the same way. Yeah, we don't have to be induced by something else for that to happen.

SPEAKER_02 25:08

Guys, if if somebody's out there, they're listening to this, or maybe um whatever. Somebody's out there, they're listening to this. And they say, I've burned some bridges, I've built some walls, I've not taken responsibility. What's one thing you would tell them or encourage them to do in order to begin to tear down those walls or in order to begin to put the planks across those bridges?

SPEAKER_00 25:34

I think personally for myself, of thinking about it that way, is don't expect, first of all, it's gonna happen right away. And also don't hold the the bar so high that you feel like it's a guarantee that the bridge is going to be built back. Yeah. Because some people will and some people won't. Yeah. Or some situations or groups of people or whatever. Let's let's make that clear. It doesn't always have to be just with an individual. This might be with a group, this might be with a place of work, this could be anything. Right. Don't always expect that just because you take responsibility, that's gonna automatically reverse that. Yeah. Now, sometimes it might, and sometimes the people on the other end are more than happy to bring you right back in or whatever it is, but don't I think that's the biggest thing for me that in the past I've always expected. Well, I went back and I took responsibility and I, you know, didn't get the answer. And and that's okay. Yeah, because this is about growth for you to do it, and if people accept it, great. If they don't, it's okay. Yeah, you're gonna be okay, and you're gonna move on, and you can you can fulfill it with somebody else or something else. It doesn't always have to be instant, and it doesn't always have to actually happen in the long run. That's that's the advice I would give.

SPEAKER_01 26:58

Yeah, what about you, John? Take responsibility for what you did, be humble, and say, I maybe screwed up here. Can you help me out? And and expect people to to help you out, and they will. If you ask and you're humble about it, and and you admit to making a mistake, people will help you. And that's what I would say to to anybody be humble.

SPEAKER_02 27:26

Yeah, I think um, Luke, what you mentioned was really important because if you I don't know if you guys know the AA steps, the 12 steps. I think the fourth step is make amends, right? Yeah, and I if you talk to guys who've been through AA, one of the things they'll tell you is that's necessarily not for them, it's for you. Right. Because you are taking a different posture in your uh approach to life. Yeah. And it entails what you were talking about, John, about being humble enough to admit that you've screwed up, you know, for X number of years or for X number of times.

SPEAKER_00 28:04

And I and I think I think you just hit a nail that I forgot to mention is that don't think that this just means saying I'm sorry, because that's not what it is. Right. Taking responsibility is not the same thing as just saying I'm sorry. Right. Like I'm sorry I did this or I'm sorry this happened. It's more about, you know what, I wronged you or I did this or what I, you know, it's about you, you taking responsibility for what you did, not what the other person is feeling. Yeah. You know, I'm sorry that I made you feel bad. Well, that's not real. That's not it. And and I've learned this only in the last like probably 15 years of my life. And there's certain people that have I thought it was the last two. Oh no, it's before that, but but it's just one of those things, and I think you just hit it on the head too, that it's not always universal. It's not always this, it's it is about you. And that sounds kind of narcissistic a little bit, but really what it is is saying, I know that I did this, and I know that I should have handled it differently, or I should have done differently, or I should have whatever. And some people might give you the grace and some might not.

SPEAKER_01 29:15

Well, then here's the here's the deal. I can't change anybody else. I can change myself in the way that I deal with each situation. And if I deal with it with humility and I say, I made a mistake, I screwed up, let me listen to you and tell me how I can do this better. Yeah, that will help in any situation you have. And that's the that's the advice I would give to anybody.

SPEAKER_02 29:47

Yeah, and I think in this um season that we're looking at of growth, if you're growing in the midst of all that, even though it's cost you relationships, right? Because that's what we're looking at, what you're talking about is it's costing you relationships. And if you realize the value of relationships and eventually you learn what it's costing you to not take responsibility and you begin to take responsibility, I think that's growth.

Final Takeaways And Sendoff

SPEAKER_00 30:14

I think it would also, I'd take it one step further that those types of things you're also you're not just you know passing up relationships, you're passing up opportunities. The opportunities, because it might not just be a relationship with one person, it might be a job opportunity or it might be a whatever, it could be anything. So keep it real, keep it going. And you know what? If you if you screw up, which we all do, own it. Yeah, own it, own it, own it. Be humble.

SPEAKER_01 30:50

Thank you a lot. Have a good one. Peace out later.